Mrs. Calamity’s Cherry Cornbread Coffee Casserole and Other Reasons to Hate Plastic-Wrap

Plastic Death Wrap

Plastic Death Wrap

Am I the only one who thinks that Dante missed out when he didn’t put plastic wrap as part of the nine circles of hell?

I’m just going off my past experiences here, and it seems to me that food wrapped in flimsy plastic instead of contained in proper Tupperware always tastes like warmed over rabbit turds.

Food underneath that clear sheet of death never looks appealing. It often reminds me more of a mutated ancient straight from the bowels of Lovecraftian fiction. Things grow in there even better than at the science lab incubator. Plastic covered leftovers grow mold that have colors even a Leprechaun would find envious above his pot-o-gold.

If those Horrors in your fridge weren’t enough. What about trying to carefully rip a sheet into a usable shape?

You spin some off the roll and try to tear it across the serrations along the outside of the box. Turns out those serrations are about as well developed as the idea for the movie The Devil Inside Me, in other words not well developed at all.

When the plastic finally does split (due solely to force of will on your part) it tears crooked. A triangle shaped piece to cover a round opening. No problem. You can work with that, right?

Well, you might have been able to use it except when the last portion tore, the plastic snapped and wrinkled up, sticking to itself. This effectively reduced the piece you tore by half. Not to mention with that many wrinkles, it’s likely no longer useful.

But you try it anyway, lovingly wrapping the plastic around that cube shaped pudding cup. No matter how careful you are, there are always air gaps. The plastic has no problem sticking to itself when you first get it out of the box, but when you place in on a container suddenly it loses all of its stickiness. The food then goes into the fridge and might as well not be covered at all.

It really is no wonder killers are always using it in the movies. After working with it for only thirty seconds, I guarantee that you too would want to murder something.

What a great suffocation device, if (and this is a big if ) I could only get a large enough piece out of the box.

Doubtless there are countless pervs out there who will tell me that it’s the perfect oral protection for intimate moments.


One question.

Is that before or after it goes on the pudding cup you just ate?

Eggggg. Oh, I just threw up a little.


~ by Charlie Edgar on March 5, 2012.

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