Assassination by Association

Ehud = Jewish Ninja

Ehud = Jewish Ninja

It is bible Horror study time again. Today, we’ll be looking at Judges 3.


Ehud, a left handed dude, makes a sword that is about a foot; foot and a half in length. He hides the blade on his right thigh and gains an audience with the enemy king claiming a desire to pay tribute. Ehud tells the king that he has a secret message, so the king instructs all his servants to leave.

Ehud then plunges the sword into the king’s belly, and the king is so fat that sword disappears. The king fell dead. Ehud sneaks away, locking the doors behind him. The servants return and believe the king to be taking a dump, so they wait, giving Ehud time to escape.

Ehud was a “judge”. He delivered Israel from its oppressors. How did he do this? Assassination.

That’s right folks, an ancient Jewish Ninja with a smooth tongue and ingenuity out the wazzoo. Assassination is a horrible thing surely, and I could talk about that for a whole series of blog posts. But by now, I’m sure you’re aware that I find Horror in the little things. If not pure assassination, then what?

The kings servants, of course.

It’s been said that you are only as good as the people you surround yourself with. I wonder what it says about the king that he surrounded himself with the stupidest bunch of morons in the entire ancient world.

Those servants let a guy in the throne room with a sword strapped to his leg like a wild west cowboy. Okay, maybe the thing was hidden.

Actually, I think the whole point is that it was hidden on the opposite leg than they’d expect.

Still, please don’t tell me that the most important guards in the kingdom only searched half of a guy that wanted alone time with the king. Speaking of which, they leave the king alone with an unknown guy? Are you kidding me?

On the scale from secret service to local law enforcement, these dudes were worse than 80-year old rent-a-cop security officers.

When they return the room is locked, the king doesn’t answer, the guy with the sword is magically gone and their first inkling is that the king not answering because he’s gotten a case of explosive colon syndrome.

Really? Really!

Let me say that again. REALLY!?!?!?!?!?!?

I’d call these guys crap-for-brains but I feel that is a major insult to crap everywhere.

So, enough harping on their stupidity.

Where is the Horror?

Let’s speak nothing of the Horror those guys felt when they waited “to the point of embarrassment” and then opened the door only to see the king lying in a big old pool of blood, intestines and excrement.

Let’s talk about something we can all understand.


You want Horror?

Whom are you surrounding yourself with?

Think about that gem.

Don’t tell me we all haven’t hung out with “the wrong crowd” at one time or another. Considering what happened to the king, we might all be lucky to be alive. The next time you want to see Horror, look at your friend. Would they unwittingly let you come to harm?

If that’s even a remote possibility then to find Horror, you have to look no further.


~ by Charlie Edgar on January 19, 2012.

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