Vending Machines; Friend or Foe?

Vending Foe

Vending Foe

First, my apologies about not posting sooner. I’ve been stuck doing some extra handy man work. Let me say for the record that I will never do a post on the horror of wallpaper removal. I simply couldn’t do it’s horror justice.

(No matter what the jerks on HGTV say, don’t belive it, it ain’t easy)

But I digress………

Vending Machines; Friend or Foe?

I love vending machines as much as the next guy. I mean cheap junk food on demand is part of the American dream.

I’ve even seen machines that take credit/debit cards. That brings convenience to a whole other level.

But it is when these wonderful machines don’t act as we’d expect that one can see the true horror in them.

Four Reasons I choose FOE……..

  • Cheating Machines

Obviously, the first consideration is when you pay for an item, like a tasty chocolate frosted honey bun, and for some reason or another you don’t get it. The machine could eat your money or the bun could get stuck. Something like that.

This, I think, inspires more anger than horror but it’s inextricably linked with item #4. And really people, what’s worse than not getting your morning moon pie.

  • Picky Machines

Often you’ll find a machine that won’t accept a dollar that is either too perfect or too ruined. It’s as if there is this magical degree of worness that only “REAL” dollar bills acquire.

I’ve often thought of a man trapped on a deserted island with only one perfect dollar, no natural source of water and an Iron-Clad, ice cold vending machine. Day after scorching day, he puts the dollar in only to have the machine spit it back out.

  • Stubborn Machines

In my neck of the woods, as they say, it’s customary to pay just over a dollar for a bottle of pop. Let’s say you have exact change. One dollar. One quarter. You line the bill up and feed it through the scanner. It immediatly shoots the dollar back to you and the LED display shows, “Exact Change Only”

WHAT!?!?!? I have exact change. Take my doodly dollar now!

If that situation isn’t bad enough, imagine struggling through that for months on end. Then imagine mentioning it to a loved one *cough*wife*cough*. They offhandingly say, “Oh just unplug it and plug it back in. It resets and fixes the problem.” Now you tell me.

Two sets of instructions should be on every vending machine. One showing how to troubleshoot it. The other how to inflict actual pain on the machine itself.

Yes, I want to torture vending machines. Go all Hostel-ly/Office-Spacey on them, if you will.

  • They Kill People

Yes if all of that wasn’t bad enough. Vending machines actually cause an average of THREE deaths every year in the US. Remember when I said hold on to that anger in #1. Well, people get angry, shake the machine, the machine laughs, and then falls over on top of them. Crushing them to death.

But hey, machines don’t kill people right?

Well, only if you’ve seen Maximum Overdrive.

What do you find horrifying about vending machines?


~ by Charlie Edgar on November 7, 2011.

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